• Red Lights, Pillows and 40 MPH.

    By Icebeast | November 4, 2008

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    Hello my one blog reader,

    Well, it’s been a while.  Life has been crazy for me, and my partner is a douche.  I’ve been working practically non stop for the last month and with the election, no time for anything else.  Anyways, I’ll share a few annoyances I’ve had over the last few weeks, all which bubbled up during one drive home.

    First, what city planner can’t make all the lights on a street change in sequence.  It’s pretty simple, you time each light to go green when the cars from the previous light arrive.  Low and behold, traffic moves smoothly.  When the lights turn red, they all turn red in sequence. I’m tired of hitting every red light on the street.  Nothing is worse than driving down a street, to have your light turn green and the next light turn immediately red, while the light after that just turned green.  I feel they did this to spite me.

    Next, if you’re going to move furniture, you really need to make sure you secure everything.  You’d think this would be obvious, but nooo.  So, as some of you know, I have had previous run ins with bedding.  There is the famous sleeping bag episode, where a sleeping bag in the middle of the road almost led to an accident.  Sufficed to say, some excellent driving and good luck managed me to cross 4 lanes of busy traffic on I-80 (or US 50, I never remember) in about 5 seconds and stop smoothly on the right shoulder.  So what happened this time?  Well I’m driving down I 405, minding my own business.  As I prepare to get of the freeway, I move over cautiously.  Finally, I’m in the right lane when this flatbed carrying a bunch of furniture decides to attack me with a pillow.  While I did flatten that pillow, I did manage to slow down more than enough to not have a replay of the sleeping bag episode.  Anyways, SECURE YOUR GODDAMN FURNITURE, LUGGAGE, BEDDING ETC….

    Finally, as I was getting ready to get off the freeway, I catch up to the car in front of me.  How fast is this car going on the freeway?  Oh 40 MPH.  That’s right folks, 25 MPH slower than the speed limit.  How the hell do you think it’s safe to go 25 MPH slower than traffic on a busy freeway?  Furthermore, as far as I could tell, there was nothing wrong with their vehicle, as they did not get off the freeway at my exit.  Unless your car is experiencing imminent explosion, THERE IS NO REASON TO DRIVE 40 MPH on the goddamn freeway.   Go the speed of traffic.  The safest speed is the speed of traffic.   Anyways, that is all.

    Topics: Icebeast, Rants | 2 Comments »

    Poor Choice

    By Icebeast | September 25, 2008

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    Well, I apologize for both myself and my partner for the lack of updates.  But who cares.  This will a be a rather short post.  So I was driving home today, and of course I’m stuck in traffic.  This traffic was a little worse than usual, so I turned on the news to hear the traffic report.  After the traffic report, the anchor gave one of those live commercials.  This one was for WaMu.  After about a 30 second spot telling me to open a WaMu account, the anchor proceeded into the lead story of the next segment.  And what was this lead story about, oh, WaMu failing.  So after 30 seconds of telling me to open a WaMu account, she then tells me how WaMu is going into the crapper and may get purchased by JP Morgan.  I wonder if the anchor realized the irony.  But man, what a poor choice of commercial / lead story for that station.

    Topics: Funny Shit, Icebeast | No Comments »

    Dirty Rotton Hippies Plucked From Trees

    By Sparky | September 9, 2008

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    It’s over. It’s finally friggin over. The damn tree hugging, authority smiting, pot smoking, Birkenstock wearing, shampoo hating, feces tossing, unemployed losers were finally removed from the trees.

    For those of you who don’t know the story, UC Berkeley was already half-baked in 1923 when they built their football stadium and they thought it would be a good idea to build it on a fault line. A few years ago they finally made final plans to retrofit the stadium, which has a visible crack running along the side denoting the fault line, and also to build a new athletic training facility. The athletic facility would make it so athletes wouldn’t have to change in their cars, so weight trainers wouldn’t be stuck bench pressing each other, and so the football team wouldn’t constantly be USC’s bitch. At least two of those would be solved anyway.

    However, in order to build this athletic facility to update an 85 year old stadium, a grove of trees would have to be cleared, most of which were planted when the stadium was built. Enter your garden variety bearded (male and female), dread-locked, smelly Berkeley hippie with nothing better to do. As soon as their heard of this plan that might actually be a good idea, they climbed up into those trees and staged a sit in, refusing to come down until the University reneged on their plans. They claimed everything, from just being simple tree huggers, to believing that the trees were endangered  to claiming that the trees, which were built in 1923, were somehow a sacred Native American burial ground, to simply wanting the trees to themselves so they could smoke them. If anyone disagreed with them, they threw feces and piss buckets. Like a bunch of monkeys.

    Well today, those smelly jackasses are finally out of the tree, that coincidentally, they were killing with all of their piss and hippie feces. As a UC Berkeley alum, and as someone who considers myself a liberal, I think it’s about damn time. Here is an incomplete and unordered list of brilliant ideas that I think we should have used two years ago to remove them from the tree. Feel free to email your own.

    1. Use one of those tree shakers that they use on farms to get nuts out of trees and shake the piss, and nuts, out of the trees.
    2. Offer a new scholarship to the student who writes an essay on the most creative object to throw at the hippies to knock them out of the trees.
    3. Let Mr Chau’s Chinese Fast food do the catering for their food supply.
    4. Hang shampoo and bars of soap from the branches of the trees. That should scare them down.
    5. Offer them zigzags. The hippies will eventually smoke the whole tree.
    6. Since it’s “an ancient Native American burial ground” we probably need to honor them with a bonfire…
    7. Tell them that they are now all employees of UC Berkeley. The prospect of being employed should probably scare them away.
    8. Call Paul Bunyan and his trust Blue Ox.
    9. Hide razor blades in their toilet paper.
    10. See if the T-Rex from Jurassic Park is available.
    11. Let loose a bunch of vicious mutant chimpanzees for an experiment on survival of the fittest.
    12. Drop a VW hippie van on them.
    13. Give them all Clinton masks and tell the Republican party to bring guns.
    14. Put John Kerry up there with them and get him to start talking.
    15. When they’re high (when are they not) make a trail of pop tarts down the tree.
    16. If a tree falls with hippies in it, does anybody care?

    I’m so glad they’re finally out of the tree. Now the students at Berkeley can go back to their normal lives of being ignored by professors, the police can wash off the hippie piss and go back to ignoring car robberies and pretending Oakland isn’t next door, and the football team can go back to underachieving in the national spotlight. Go Bears.

    Topics: Rants, Sparky | 3 Comments »

    Pre-season Debacle

    By Icebeast | September 3, 2008

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    As everyone knows, NFL season is about to start, and NCAA football season just started. I’m going to rant about the pre-season. Now, I’m not going to rant about what you think though. This isn’t about the four NFL pre-season games that are meaningless greed filled endeavors. No, this is about the not so meaningless pre-season NCAA football rankings. You might be thinking, why do pre-season rankings matter? Well, they do, because they seed in the minds of all the voters what teams are good and what teams are bad. Let us assume three teams lose just one game. These teams are the pre-season #1, #2 and #3 teams. Almost regardless of the quality of loss or strength of schedule, these three teams will remain in the same order they were in the pre-season. Basically, the #3 team may be better then the #1 or #2 teams, but since they started out #3, they almost never get to #1 or #2.

    Why have pre-season rankings, based on nothing but almost pure guesswork? The #18 Tennessee Volunteers lost to unranked UCLA? I guarantee you, UCLA is not good. They’re currently using their third string QB, second string RB, second string TE, as well as a host of other injuries. This team is a middle of the road team at best, and yet Tennessee loses to them. #18 Tennessee. Now, Tennessee may be good down the road, but make them #18? What about #9 Clemson losing to Alabama? This is the failure of pre-season work. Why not just wait until every team has played 2 or 3 games, then rank em. Ya, I know, everyone wants to know where they stand right away, but this unfairly skews things in favor of the pre-season top teams and makes some wins seem more valuable then others (like UCLA’s miracle).

    On a separate note, why do we have to try to prognosticate the outcome of the NFL season before any games are played? Last year, the “Green Bay Packers had taken a step back from their 8 and 8 season and will be lucky to make it back to 8 and 8 again this year.” Oh ya, well last I checked they finished 13-3 starting out 6-0 in the season. Obviously, your (you being sports pundits) pre-season prescience failed. I know you have nothing to talk about in the dredges of summer, but you just look like an idiot when you make statements that are wrong. And EVERY year, some out of nowhere NFL team comes up to win. Basically, the point of this rant is to have some freaking patience.

    Topics: Icebeast, Rants | No Comments »

    Morons of Marketing – Taco Bell

    By Sparky | August 30, 2008

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    So Taco Bell is now selling a pink taco. I don’t think I really need to say anything more.

    Taco Bell\'s Volcano Taco
    Don't play with your food.

    Topics: Funny Shit, Sparky | 1 Comment »

    Get Over It

    By Icebeast | August 25, 2008

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    We try to keep anything of real importance off our blog. But this time, something just got to me. I can’t stand when people won’t realize they’ve lost (hypocrisy, I know). But, Clinton supporters, you’ve lost. Why are you all still crying? OMG, Hillary won’t be president, let me go cry in a corner, bitch and moan, and then yell for no good reason. Freaking get over it. What I really don’t get, is why you wont support Obama. I’m not having our blog endorse Obama here, but your lack of support for him makes no sense. You truly think that since Hillary, a crazy leftist, won’t be president, McCain, a crazy person in his own right, but not anywhere as left as Hillary, will make a better president then Obama? Thats like being a vegetarian who loves Peaches, but since no Peaches are available, instead of choosing a Nectarine, you’ll chose a Steak instead. Well, if McCain wins, you have no right to cry about it (even though you will). That is all.

    PS: Our Blog has not endorsed Obama. We will endorse the candidate that appeals (monetarily) to us the most.

    Topics: Icebeast, Rants | 1 Comment »

    Fresh Ground Foot

    By Sparky | August 17, 2008

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    You know how when you’re watching some reruns at 2 am and you’re completely glazed over about to pass out in a puddle of your own drool and then something interesting actually pops up on the tube and brings you back to consciousness? I had this experience a few weeks ago when one of those incredibly long “as seen on tv” ads came on for the Pedegg. For those of you who don’t know, this is a device that some genius came up with probably while he was browsing the bargain bin at Bed Bath and Beyond. The device is essentially a small hand held cheese grater with a little compartment for holding the shavings. However, you don’t use this thing for sprinkling a little Parmesan on your ravioli. Nope, this thing is for using on your foot to scrape off all the bunions, calluses, doggy accidents, and whatever else happens to be stuck to your foot.

    Would you like some freshly ground foot on your linguini?
    First off, this thing is disgusting. I know people have issues with stuff being stuck to their feet, especially if they like to walk barefoot at dog parks for instance, but was this cheese grater really the solution? How about buying some shoes or some lotion? And was it really worth it to make a two minute long commercial for an item that costs ten bucks? This thing isn’t exactly a Foreman Grill. How many people passed out in their own Michelob Light Vomit are really going to perk up at 2 am and say “Holy crap, I have GOT to get me one of them!!”? I think the grossest part of the whole thing is about halfway through the commercial, and, in typical as-seen-on-tv fashion, repeated at least 5 other times, is a segment that shows that you can empty out the foot “filings”. They show a woman dumping literally a quarter cup of white crud into a wastebasket. Either this chick had some serious barnacles stuck to her heel or she accidentally shaved off all her toes. Even worse, the crap she dumps out could possibly pass for fresh ground parmesan. Might give new possibilities to all those disgruntled waiters who aren’t creative enough to come up with something better than spit-food.

    I hear that the chick from the commercial is suing because Pedegg didn’t tell her that she was going to be on this disgusting commercial. She was told it was to be an internet-only ad. As if all the bored morons wouldn’t have discovered it hiding in the interweb tubes somewhere. Apparently they had a horror-movie makeup artist on hand to apply the before and after makeup to make her foot look like she stepped in some oatmeal. They also have a shot of a bunch of women using the pedegg together as though women really sit in circles knitting sweaters and scraping crap off their feet. Here it is, embedded for your viewing pleasure. Keep a bucket nearby for the possible Michelob Light incident that may occur.

    Topics: Rants, Sparky | 1 Comment »

    Skater Punks

    By Icebeast | August 13, 2008

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    So, I realize that it has been a while since either of us last blogged. I was out of town for a week, and during that time I did a lot of nothing. This made it rather difficult to come up with things to bitch about. But, on the way home today, I suddenly saw several things to bitch about. Luckily for you, I’ll just do one right now.

    So, for whatever reason, on the UCLA campus, we get several teen and preteen skater kids. They like to sit on this platform we have centrally located on campus and jump off. (I spent 4 seconds trying to find a picture of it and gave up). Anyways, the platform is like a small stage they use for shows and events in central UCLA. Its maybe 2 feet off the ground.

    So, these kids decide to ride there skate boards off, attempt to do a trick, and then land. The only portion of this sequence that ever succeeds is the first part. I have yet to see them successfully complete a trick, or successfully land. Their inability to land may be the most annoying part. I’ve had to dodge skateboards and people on more than one occasion. This is also in the center of campus, where large volume of people travel. I’m surprised no one has yet been bludgeoned by a skateboard. Can’t you find a more secluded area for your failed stunts? And why would you want to have lots of people watch you fall on your ass?

    Ground, meet face.
    Ground, meet face.
    Secondly, half these kids don’t wear protection. Some wear helmets, but pads are a rarity. Today, I saw a kid with no helmet or pads, attempt to jump off this platform, rail on a metal chair, and then land. Let’s just say, he failed. And so I wonder, where are the campus police. Not only are there signs EVERYWHERE that say no skateboarding, but these kids are being idiots at the same time. Now, I’m not trying to be narc, but eventually one of these kids will get injured. And when that happens, whose going to get sued, the university. And when that happens, whose going to have a tuition hike, ME. So get off your donut laden ass and do something please.

    Well, I think that gets out all my anger over skaters. Let me finish this by saying, I have nothing against skaters, but if you have no skill, please skate elsewhere. As for tomorrow, I will continue to suppress my urge to clothesline these children.

    Topics: Icebeast, Rants | 6 Comments »

    Balance of Power

    By Icebeast | July 30, 2008

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    You might be wondering, hey, what’s this post about? Is it about politics? Is it about military? Is it about whose boss in my work place? No, it has nothing to do with any of that. This post is about, what else, sports. The other night, I saw a baseball official make a rather questionable decision to eject a player, who was in the dug out. Usually, once a player is in the dug out, he’s safe, as long as he doesn’t try to ignite the crowd. Well this player said that the call was bullshit once he got into the dug out, and was ejected. This makes me think about the power sporting officials have, and the quality of said officials.

    Ooo, here comes tongue.
    Ooo, here comes tongue.
    Baseball officials have too much power. They call the balls and the strikes, they call all the close plays, they declare home runs, and they get to eject players and managers. Usually, they get these calls right, but sometimes they make a mistake. What gets me is the ejection part. These officials feel like they are part of the show. They have to become celebrities and get face time by making a big scene with the players. Why can’t they just sit quietly and do there jobs, like football officials. I mean, football officials must take the most heat, but somehow they can do there jobs. Get off your high horse baseball officials, you’re not part of the show, you’re just suppose to enforce the rules.

    This brings me to basketball officials. I generally feel basketball officials are the worst set of officials in either of the sports. They are most influenced by the crowd, they tend to support the home team, and they’ve been shown to cheat. I heard the argument, well the crowd is right behind them yelling at them? Oh? You’re too small of a man to grow a pair and call a fair game? Football officials get yelled at from the coaches, the sidelines, the 300 lb men on the field, and the fans. And yes, I guarantee the officials can hear the jawing of the fans, especially near the end zones. Yet, generally, they get the calls right and don’t call games in favor of the home team. (Let me clarify, this is the NFL. College officials are scared for there lives. I mean, have you seen a Georgia fan?).

    Anyways, the game should be played by the athletes and the rules enforced by the officials. You’re not part of the show officials, you’re just there to do your jobs. So act like professionals and do it.

    Note: All opinions stated here, are in fact, opinions, not fact. Please don’t sue me MLB and NBA.

    Topics: Icebeast, Rants | No Comments »

    Bicycle Riding 101

    By Sparky | July 26, 2008

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    Since Ice is having some fun with his 101 series attempting to “lern amerikanz new driving skillz”, I decided to do something similar. Something for a segment of the population that seems to have serious issues with geometry and passive aggressiveness, and may or may not have been dropped when they were children. Repeatedly. On purpose.

    We begin today’s lesson by introducing the segment in question. You’ve all seen their saran-wrapped spandexed asses hurtling down the streets, preferably the narrowest, windiest ones in town. Yes I’m talking about your friendly neighborhood biker. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy biking and I think it’s a good form of physical fitness and I have gone through periods where I biked every day. I also am very much in favor of saving the environment and staying healthy by biking to work or school. I’ll even concede the fact that those loud spandexy thingies are good for aerodynamics. However, I still have a bone to pick with these folks. First off, they seem to enjoy riding on the windy, narrow country roads that don’t actually HAVE a bike lane, thus forcing you to drive behind those spandex monkeys for fifteen miles. And they know it. They actually enjoy having a long line of vacationers, truckers, and commuters being forced to stare at their ass as they all slowly snake through the hills.

    Stay in your damn lane
    Not that hard
    But you can’t consider yourself safe when you’re driving on a ridiculously wide street with a clearly marked bike lane like the one pictured. Oh no. Far from it. As automobile drivers, we’re quite used to the process of driving IN our lanes. That’s right, we usually like to stay in between the shiny white lines whenever possible. Bikers, on the other hand, seem to have an entirely different perception of two freshly painted white lines with the words “BIKE LANE” printed directly in the middle of it in three foot high letters with a nice arrow pointing down the middle. They choose instead to use the white line as a guide, and they proceed to ride directly on top of that thing harder than Paris Hilton on a… well, anything. It’s almost as though bikers wouldn’t quite know where to go if they didn’t have that white stripe leading them in the right direction. It’s a wonder they survive when the white lines start dotting near corners and intersections. By keeping themselves centered on the line instead of IN the bike LANE they effectively put themselves in their favorite spot – in my way. Instead of being able to “share the road”, I actually end up having to concede the road to these line jockeys. Another, related offense is the wonderful parallel bikers. In this case you have two helmet-head speedos spilling out of the same bike lane, which is illegal by the way. Not only does this lead to the inside biker encroaching even further into the roadway, but you also know that they won’t be able to move for you even one inch for fear of crushing their riding partner. We gave you an entire five foot wide lane exclusively for you to play with your pretty bike in. Now why can’t you just be happy with it and actually stay IN it?

    This leads me to my second point, which I’ve sort of mentioned already. The phrase “Share the road” is so incredibly over-used by bikers and has almost become a propaganda tool for them. I had one instance where I was trying to turn right onto a busy intersection. In this case, I signaled, went into the dotted section of the bike lane, and stopped at the crosswalk to wait until a clear spot appeared in cross traffic. The traffic was so bad in the intersection that I ended up waiting there long enough that several bikers actually caught up to me from a mile back. Instead of going around me, or perhaps understanding that I was in the legal part of the bike lane, or even just ignoring me, these bikers made it a point to maneuver as close to my car as possible by squeezing their bikes into the foot-wide space between my car and the sidewalk, nearly removing my side view mirror in the process. As they passed, one passive aggressive spandex jockey had the gall to yell at me to share the road. Kiss my bumper, son. If my car even sneezes on you, you’re just a greasy smear on the sidewalk. Don’t tempt me.

    Which leads to my final point for now. I know how it feels to ride my bike in a world that is more car-centric than ever before. I know that huge cars and SUVs take up lots of room and bikers often get ignored or even have their lives put in danger, whether they decided to tempt my bumper or not. And thanks to Ice’s Driving 101 lessons, we all know that most people can’t friggin drive to save their lives, even the ones that don’t have a Vader Visor on. All that makes bikers lives very difficult. But for crying out loud, don’t punish the rest of us for that. There’s an event in San Francisco (and various other major cities) called Critical Mass. This is an event where hundreds of bikers get together and ride en masse in an attempt to make the point that bikers deserve to be noticed. It’s basically unorganized chaos. They actually have vocabulary terms such as “corking” which is a tactic to block automobile traffic, and “die-in” which is when a bunch of bikers lie in the road to show the dangers bikers face. I don’t mind the protest so much as I do the way they go about it. Make your friggin’ point without blocking traffic. And don’t lie on my road. You’re making it sticky. There have been numerous incidents where cars who try to get through the Critical Mass have been blocked by bikers, had their cars surrounded, beaten with U-locks and had bikes thrown through windows. It’s like a bunch of eight year olds in some sick, twisted version of Lord of the Flies. Everybody needs to chill the frick out.

    And if you don’t, please do try to remember which one of us weighs 2800 pounds and which one of us weighs 180. Thanks.

    Ice:  So I making a small addendum to this post.  My biggest pet peeve at bikers is that they believe they are not required to follow the laws of the road.  Contrary to popular belief, stop signs do in fact apply to you bikers.  I realize you have to go through great effort to stop, but is that worth your life?  My sister made a legal left turn and had a bicyclist hit her, flip over her car and land on the pavement, because they illegally ran a stop sign.  They get mad when you try to legally make your right turn.  They ride on the sidewalks and then just jet out onto the street when they feel like it.  They ride against the grain of traffic (which is more than completely illegal).  Now not all bicyclists are this bad, and most of them only commit the stop sign running offense occasionally.  But don’t expect me to give you respect if you can not even respect the rules of the road.

    Topics: 101 Classes, Rants, Sparky | 2 Comments »

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